Building Resilient Children: Insights and Strategies
By Kalena James, iPEC-CPC, ICF-PPC, ELI-MP
Executive Leadership & Life Strategist Coach
LyfQuest LLC
Parenting is a challenging journey, especially when unexpected obstacles like the loss of a loved one arise. Tanya Fouch is a single mother who is raising three children on her own after her husband Matthew’s tragic death on Sat., Feb. 15, 2014, when a woman ran a stop sign going 75 miles an hour at the intersection of Park Road and Boulevard in Kokomo.
Tanya's experience as a single mother has taught her that parenting is both challenging and rewarding. With the constant changes and influences affecting our children, it can be overwhelming to keep up. However, Tanya stresses the importance of not letting pressure consume us but rather partnering with our children to manage the demands of parenting more effectively.
The Fine Line Between Helping and Hindering
Tanya used to think that the best way to be a good mother was to fix all of her children's problems. She wanted them to be happy and successful, and she thought that meant taking care of everything for them. But after a while, she started to realize that fixing problems often meant owning the problem herself. Her kids weren't learning how to be independent or solve their own problems.
Tanya realized that she needed to partner with her children and help them take responsibility for their own growth and development, regardless of age. By working together to solve problems, Tanya and her children are learning important skills and building confidence in their own abilities.
Widowed and Worried
Tanya's world was turned upside down when her husband tragically passed away, leaving her to raise their three children alone. At first, she struggled to meet her financial obligations and worried about the future. But through hard work and a willingness to seek help, Tanya learned to manage her finances and find support over the years to care for her family. In hindsight, by focusing on physical, relational, and spiritual well-being, Tanya continues to see the value of prioritizing the family’s mental health while providing a stable home for her children.
The loss of their father hit her children hard, and she knew that they needed to grieve in their own way. She encouraged them to talk about their feelings and provided them with resources like counseling to help them cope. Tanya also is making sure that they have positive memories to hold onto and create new traditions while continuing old ones. By supporting her children's emotional needs, Tanya was able to help them navigate through difficult times.
As a single parent, Tanya found that discipline became more challenging without a partner to rely on. However, she knew that consistency was key to promoting good behavior and setting expectations for her children. Tanya continues to work hard to create clear rules and consequences and followed through with them to reinforce her children's understanding of boundaries. By using positive reinforcement, Tanya is able to encourage her children's growth and development in a healthy way.
Tanya's experience as a widowed parent taught her that guilt and uncertainty are common emotions for single parents, as it's easy to think that our children's actions reflect on our parenting. However, Tanya realized that every child is unique and has their own journey to navigate. In the past, she may have compared her children to herself and asked, "If I can do it, why can't you?" But she learned that her children were not her, and by guiding and supporting them to discover their own solutions instead of always fixing their problems or expecting things to be done her way, parents can promote resiliency and independence in their children.
Promoting Child Safety in the Digital Age: Strategies for Parents
Parenting means being there for our children through their ups and downs, from navigating bullies to dealing with hormonal changes. Strategies to protect her children in this ever-connected world:
Set clear boundaries around technology use, including screen time limits and monitoring online activity.
Encourage open and honest communication with children about the risks and impacts of social media and online platforms.
Strike a balance between providing guidance and support while respecting children's individuality and autonomy.
Becoming Better Parents, Becoming Better People
In talking with Tanya, I learned that it's important to have goals and a general plan, but it's equally important to be flexible and adaptable. Embracing unexpected challenges, learning from them, and growing alongside our children is key. Trusting in ourselves and in our children, we can overcome any obstacle.
As parents, we must remember that our children are unique individuals. Tanya's experience teaches us to embrace this understanding and guide and support our children through life's challenges. We can instill values such as honesty and integrity by reinforcing positive behavior and addressing negative behavior with love, patience, and firmness.
Seeking guidance and support from a family therapist or counselor can be helpful in more severe cases. Our role as parents is to provide a comprehensive understanding of the consequences of our children's actions, helping them develop a strong moral compass and become responsible, trustworthy individuals.
To become more patient, loving, and in tune with our children, we can take personal development steps such as self-reflection, mindfulness practices, continual learning, seeking support, and practicing self-compassion.
Additionally, we can support our child's development by encouraging social engagement, teaching financial literacy, promoting physical activities, fostering emotional well-being, nurturing a love of learning, building healthy relationships, exploring spirituality, and encouraging resiliency.
Here are some examples of social emotional learning (SEL) opportunities:
Spiritual
Spiritual development is an essential component of social-emotional learning (SEL). SEL focuses on helping students explore and understand their own values, beliefs, and sense of purpose.
Encourage your child to explore their spirituality and beliefs.
Model positive spiritual practices and behaviors.
Provide opportunities for your child to connect with their faith community.
Teach your child about the importance of gratitude and mindfulness.
Encourage your child to engage in acts of kindness and compassion.
Resiliency
Resiliency development is an important aspect of social-emotional learning (SEL) because it helps children adapt and bounce back from adversity and stress, and it is a critical factor in promoting academic achievement, well-being, and success in life.
Encourage problem-solving skills.
Foster a growth mindset where they understand that they can learn and improve with effort and hard work.
Increase self-esteem to build confidence and a sense of self-efficacy.
Build emotional regulation skills to manage stress healthily, which helps them maintain focus and composure under pressure.
Model resiliency for your child by demonstrating a positive attitude towards challenges and setbacks.
Educational
Educational development within SEL is essential for students to gain the knowledge and skills needed for academic success and lifelong learning.
Encourage a love of learning and curiosity in your child.
Provide opportunities for your child to explore their interests and passions.
Create a positive learning environment at home.
Early and often, stay involved in your child's education and advocate for their needs.
Provide opportunities for your child to learn a healthy sense of self from different sources, such as museums, libraries, and travel.
Remember, parenting is a journey full of twists and turns. We may find ourselves suddenly behind the eight ball, facing unexpected challenges or obstacles. But by staying adaptable, flexible, and facing these challenges head-on, we can enjoy every step of our journey and create an unbreakable bond with our children.
Kalena James is a powerhouse of a woman. She has an innate gift for helping people grow and develop into their best selves. With over 2,000 hours of experience as a coach, Kalena is a highly sought-after multi-award-winning communication and business transitions trainer, keynote speaker, and 2x author. She is the owner of a new technology company called LyfQuest, which provides life coaches, trainers, and consultants with an innovative platform for streamlined relationships. An adjunct professor at Indiana Wesleyan University, where she teaches the foundations of life coaching for leaders who want to harness the art of influence using the power of coaching.
Kalena is truly dedicated to making the world a better place - she serves on the board of directors for St Vincent Hospital, has 12,000 hours of Change Management experience, and is board certified through the International Coach Federation. She has spent years observing creative leaders struggle with keeping great talent, directors who spend more time correcting bad behavior than directing it, and frustrated team members who are just not engaged in their work.
Kalena's message - "We must become the message of great leadership, not the messenger" - is the foundation principle for helping leaders who neglect this fundamental aspect of effective leadership. Her methods are exciting and coveted by many leaders who are looking to create a more positive and productive work environment.